Healing from an abusive past.

Emotional pain is a b*tch. 

What does it mean to heal from the past?  How do you know when you have healed?  Do you ever truly heal from the past?  How will I know when I am better?

All these are questions that I used to constantly ask my psychiatrist when I was an inpatient for 9 weeks.  9 weeks, sounds so long, in reality it went by in a flash after the first weekend.  I got used to being there, I got used to the routine.  I didn’t want to leave in the end.  But I was glad to get home to my boys, when I was an inpatient, I missed them like crazy.  It was hard in the beginning adjusting to ‘life on the outside’, you become institutionalised being an inpatient with your movements restricted.  But I was so grateful for all the help that I had received whilst I was an inpatient. 

It is nearly a year since I was first admitted to the day hospital, the 29th March.  The last year has been one of the hardest, and longest and at times I didn’t think I wanted to be around anymore because it was so hard.  I had remembered the abuse throughout my life, but anytime it surfaced I would push it back to a place I didn’t have to face it.  Stopping and taking the time to face the past is hard.  Being triggered and finding out more of your past is hard, it’s amazing how the mind works, and how much of our past we are able to bury.  I spent my teen years and in my twenties running so hard from myself, my 30’s I was in self destruct mode along the way, but I tried really hard to be a good Mom and pull myself together.  To cope I started drinking more and more to dull the pain of the present and the past. 

Which day is it Again???

Which day is it Again??? 

So, for a second there I couldn’t remember what day I was on being drink free.  I shocked myself, I thought I would be clock watching all the time, turns out a few days went by, in fact nearly a week without me counting how many days I have gone without drinking!  Who knew I could actually have a day or two free of thinking about drinking or the fact that I have gone alcohol free! 

I am on day 24, doesn’t sound like a lot when you write it down.  But when I think of November and December where I couldn’t go a day without drinking I am pretty happy with the results so far.  The last few days have been tough though.  As I have mentioned before I was sexually abused as a child.  I am still finding it hard to know what to do next on my current journey towards healing myself.  I went to the police and they sent the report off to the country where the abuse happened, but it turned out that it is part of the countries constitution that they will not follow up on a crime that is more than 20 years old.  They recommend I try taking the case to civil court.  I have contacted a lawyer and it turns out I will have to go back in order to proceed with the case if I choose to take legal action.  I was speaking with a friend about it this morning, and she said she is really worried about me because she can see that all of this is eating away at me, and that I need to try and put it behind me.  The problem is I don’t know what to do or how to put it behind me at this point.  What if he does it again, and I know I could have done something to stop him.  How would I live with that knowledge! 

I don’t know what to do, and I really do feel a bit trapped at the moment.  So I know this is having an impact on my emotional state, and my anxiety levels.  Before I would have consumed alcohol to dull the pain, which in turn would lead to sleepless nights filled with insomnia and bad thoughts and feeling depressed which would more than likely lead to me self harming.  Alcohol consumption is also a form of self harm!  But instead I have eaten doughnuts {I have been craving sugar}, and heading to bed early.  I haven't been getting the best nights sleep, and have had bad dreams twice this week already, but I am proud of the fact that I am not drinking and doing more damage to myself.  

Where do we go from here, well I am still taking it one day at a time, trying not to think too far into the future, but I know that I have already come further than I ever thought I could or would.  I have had wobbles, and I have had hard days.  On those days I tend to treat myself to a cake, muffin or doughnut.  

I have tried a few non alcoholic beers and have found one that I like, I have also found non alcoholic gin, having tried a few I know which one I like.  Pouring myself a glass of sparkling water with ice and lemon has also proved a success.  

The hardest thing so far is having to deal with the emotional pain, it is always there, and I would drink  to take the edge off.  Now I have to find healthier alternatives and I am finding them slowly.  If I can do this, anyone can.  You just have to make up your mind to do it.  I think I need to apply that to my other problems too instead of letting them fester.  

It is all a learning curve, and I am learning a lot about myself, I am finding myself after years of self abuse.