I never thought when I started this journey that I could make it to 85 days. I have even become comfortable at home with my husband having beers in the fridge. He is not like me, he can leave them in the fridge forever, I'd have them drunk the day I bought them!
But I am ok having them in the fridge, I just have to make sure I stock up on a few nice juices every week, as well as non-alcoholic beer which has become my saviour at the weekends, and Fever Tree Tonics, love them.
I haven't been writing as much the last few weeks, they haven't been good ones, I have been feeling irritable and depressed, and have had a very short fuse when it comes to my temper. It's my own fault, I stopped taking my meds as prescribed, I still can't tell you why I do it, it's like I have a switch in my mind, and once its been switched on I am not fully in control of the things that I do. I know this sounds crazy and maybe I am crazy, but that's what it feels like. It's like when I cut myself or scratch myself, I don't really seem to consciously make the decision to do it, but when I come back to myself I realise what I have done it is almost like a shock to the system, but the sense of relief I feel after is often so big that I don't feel the shame till the next day. Then I really do feel crazy the next day. I am not sure if that makes sense, but that's what it feels like in my head.
I have been failing in a few areas lately, the first as mentioned already is taking my meds as prescribed. The second is smoking, I have had the odd smoke these past week, it's not ideal, but I am going to try and be kind to myself about it. I haven't had a drink, and I am determined to make it to 100 days, what I do after those 100 days I don't know. I started out aiming for 100 days I think because I didn't know if I could make that, I still can't quite believe I have managed 100 days. I don't know what I do next, will I have a drink after those 100 days or not, I just don't have that answer. The smart thing to do would be to just give up completely, but am I that smart!
The area I am failing in which I have been in a bit of denial about is taking pain meds. I have been in a lot of pain with my knee and foot for a long time, and I started taking a codeine based med, which I should not have done, but I was in so much pain. The pain is much more manageable on the meds but it's not ideal to be on them. I am caught in a catch 22, I am going to go and see my GP about it and see if she can't prescribe something that is not addictive. I am nowhere near as bad as I was, and maybe being aware of the dangers is enough, but I still don't like the fact that I have been taking them.
So while I am doing good with the no drinking I have fallen in a few other areas, but I am not going to beat myself up like I normally would. They have happened and the important thing now is not the falling, but what I do next, so I am going to try and dust myself off , step up and try and get back on track.
