Thursday, 21 March 2019

Coping, not Coping Ramblings

Sometimes you just have to find a quiet place and cry your eyes out, or you need to do some shouting therapy. 
I think I need to do some shouting therapy and then have a good cry.  I have been on the verge of tears for the last week and have had a very short temper. 

I have realised that sometimes it feels like we are coping, and finding it ‘easy’ to cope, but if someone asks the wrong question, we watch a sad show, or we are triggered by ANYTHING – the dam wall breaks and we have a tidal wave of emotion.  Then we sit back and wander what the hell just happened – because we thought we were coping pretty well.  The danger in thinking you are doing well, is that you don’t address an emotion or feeling as it arises, we push it down, brush it under the carpet because we are doing well, we don’t need to look at that in any closer details – or do we? 
I have been going through the motions, and feeling ok, and I was coping.  That was until a close friend asked me how I was doing.  I nearly started crying there and then!  I met this friend when I was in hospital since then, and for the last year it has been amazing getting to know her and sharing my journey with someone who understands it better than most. 
Was it because of the space we met in I wandered, was it the questions itself?  It made me question a few things on my drive home, and I realised that while I thought I was coping pretty well I had stopped checking in with myself and actually being honest with myself.  In truth I have gone down a side track, and I need to put the breaks on.  I am still alcohol free, but along the way I started taking painkillers for my foot, which led to me taking more painkillers when I wasn’t really in physical pain, which led to me missing a dose or two of my actual medication.  
So, what to do next!  I have to first be honest, and admit that I have wandered down the side track, I have to stop and take stock and decide, do I keep going down this side track, or do I reverse and try and get back to the main road, stop taking the painkillers and get back on my meds properly again.  Aaaarggh why is it so hard to just do the right thing.  It is so much easier doing the ‘wrong’ thing.  Taking the painkillers numbs the emotions that I thought I was coping with, so all it does is numb the immediate sensation, and it gets stuffed down a hole, and it’s like a volcano, once that hole is too full it will explode, and that’s when the tidal wave hits and things go really wrong. 
So I am still alcohol free, but I have to start again with my meds and the painkillers, and smoking.  

My First Email - YAY

I got an amazing email this morning that really made my day, so thank you so much.  

I have been feeling a bit low and uninspired for the last few weeks, and your email made me feel all warm and fuzzy, and gave me the motivation to keep going.

If anyone else wants to get in touch please feel free to email me, or comment on any post.  It is so encouraging for me to hear from people, and makes me feel less alone.