Sunday, 30 June 2019

Tough Week

Ugh what a week, I was feeling ok at the start of the week, but by Wednesday I was feeling so deflated, flat and low - and this feeling has lasted all week.  I know we can't always be living on a high but I wish my lows weren't quite so low. 

I am not sure what has triggered this episode, there are a few things happening at the moment that could be the trigger.  I have been having seriously horrible dreams lately, for a few weeks now, and they are knocking me about.  We leave for our holiday on Friday, and I am going back to the place where my Dad used to live to visit friends.  I haven't been back there since my Dad passed away, and I am seeing an aunt who I haven't seen since my Dad passed away.  I have put on so much weight since I last saw her, so I think I am anxious about it.  All little things, but the little things really add up.  

I dropped by a friends house this week and she had bought one of my favourite summer drinks, an alcoholic drink.  It reminds me of home.  I was so tempted to throw the towel in and have one with her, it's probably one of the hardest moments I have had since I stopped drinking.  It has left me doubting myself all week, and my mind is playing havoc with the lies.  Just have the one I think, then it's ok to have one at the weekend, or if you have one by yourself no one will know.  Only problem is I will know.  So for now I am winning that battle, but it's being fought a lot more often than I would like.  I think it's because I am feeling flat at the moment, and drinking was my go to when I felt like this in the past. 

Next week though, on a more positive note I hit the 6 months mark.  The only other time I have not drunk for this long was when I was pregnant with my son.  I am trying to be proud of myself, because it is a huge thing to have given up drinking, especially with the amounts I was drinking on a weekly basis.