The Start

Memories from childhood are funny things, and it is through reading books like the choice by Dr Edith Egar that have made me want to document my life, and work through my life experiences.  

I am 39 years old, I can’t believe I will be 40 this year!  I didn’t picture 40 like this. I am not sure what I pictured, but I am far away from any of the dreams I ever had as a child.  

I am currently a stay at home Mom who used to have a part time job, and will need to find one again soon! I have been under a psychiatrist for the last 10 months, I drink too much, I smoke occasionally, I self harm occasionally, and I take painkillers occasionally. Occasionally is a funny word right - just how often is it? It sounds better than every day, or far too often right? I don't do all these things daily, but I do them far too often, occasionally still sounds better. It's amazing how the mind works, and how easy it is to lie to yourself, and not only lie to yourself, but you believe the lie.

I am Mom to one beautiful 9 year old boy.  He is my world, he is funny, bright, kind and very eloquent. He is the second thing I got right. The first is my husband, and we have been married for 13 years. I am very lucky to have a patient, kind and caring man with a whole lot of patience to handle me over the years. And there has been a lot to handle.

I met my husband in 2001, in London. I was wild when we met, a real party girl, keeping up with the boys and proud of it too.

Now I am a 39 year old in recovery. I am recovering from childhood trauma, depression, PTSD, self harm, substance abuse, overeating and bulimia. I am overweight, obese even and I need to start being brutally honest with myself if I am to keep recovering, if I am to heal and improve my quality of life, and the quality of life of my family.

Why write a blog. I can't write it in a diary for fear of my son picking it up and reading it, or worse, my husband. I know he knows a lot of it, but not everything! But before I can be honest with my family, I need to get down and dirty and brutally honest with myself! That's why.