42 Days - Nearly Slipped Up

I have been really struggling with writing my blog this month.  I know what I want to say, but putting it down has just felt wrong.  It has been a strange and sometimes stressful few weeks.  This past weekend I was at college and we had a video assessment to do.  I was so stressed on the Saturday before the video'd assessment.  I think part of my nerves had to do with the fact that I am so ashamed at the moment, since being on my anti depressants I have put on even more weight, and I am deeply ashamed of my body.  I know that there is no one to blame but myself, and like drinking and smoking the next thing I have to do is sort out my diet and get joined up to a gym, only I can fix what I have done.  

So by the time I got home on Saturday evening all I wanted to do was return to my creature comforts but having a drink, a smoke and inevitably I am sure there would have been some self harm thrown in as well.  
It was really hard, but I am so proud I didn't have a drink, instead I went to bed early, I was exhausted.  I know having the drink would not have solved anything, if anything it would have just delayed the inevitable feelings I was dealing with, and it would make me feel worse, because I would also then feel guilty of having the drink!  I have not had a drink in 6 weeks!!!  

On Sunday we had to watch back our video'd assessments for college.  Now for awhile I have completely avoided any chance to look at myself in the mirror, but there I was, confronted by how other people see me.  Now everyone in my college class is lovely, but when I saw myself on the big screen I was truly horrified.  It is imperative that I do something more about my weight.  Since I gave up drinking I did loose a bit, hopefully with a healthier diet I can continue to reach my goals.  
I am going to have to buy a scale, as much as I hate the thought of having one, I have to do something before it's too late.  

So that's it for this week, I am super proud of myself that I have gone the six weeks without drinking, I have been feeling more engaged in my life because I am not suffering with a hangover most of the time.  I am sleeping more which is amazing, I was only getting about 4 hours sleep a night, now I am averaging 8, such a change for me.  I have nearly slipped up but managed to hang on, and if I can, anyone can with enough determination. 
I am horrified that I weigh so much at the moment, but I will start to make changes that will hopefully lead to a healthier life.