Tuesday 23 April 2019

Over 100 Days - Wow, I almost can't believe it.

I had great plans to celebrate 100 days of no drinking, instead I spent the night running to the loo and throwing up with a vomiting bug, and have been in bed for two days with fevers and chills. 
 
The last few weeks have not been easy, I have been very up and down emotionally, mentally and physically. 

My husband asked me this morning if I miss drinking, and the truth is, no not really.  Over the weekend we were away and met up with friends for a BBQ, and I didn't even think twice about the fact that I wasn't drinking.  I do miss the escape sometimes - when my anxiety is really high, or I get that emotional pain, it was always then that I drank most, but in truth I realise now that drinking only made those emotions harder to deal with, because although it provided an escape at the time, the next morning I always felt worse.  On top of the emotions I had tried to run from I felt like throwing up from the hangovers, or I would wander what I said to someone and are they cross with me now.  I don't miss the hangovers, in fact it is amazing waking up in the morning without the fog, being able to get out of bed on time without feeling dazed and feeling like you are going to throw up all the time. 

Now that I am passed 100 days I need to set myself a new target, because if I don't I will land up drinking again, I'm not sure yet what my new goal is, but I will set it this week! 

In the last 100 days I have learnt that I can live without alcohol, something I was afraid to do.  Why was I afraid of it, because I was worried about dealing with all the emotions I was running from.  I was worried I would be 'boring'.  I didn't want to feel like I was missing out.  I was afraid of trying and failing, I think that was one of my biggest fears, and the reason I started this blog.  I didn't tell anyone when I started because I didn't want to fail and have to deal with explaining, so I started the blog so that I could be accountable to myself, in fact I have realised that it is important to be honest with ourselves first, and not worry so much about everyone else.  I was living a lie, but worse still, I was lying to myself daily, I didn't respect myself, or believe in myself.  I am proud of myself, not jumping around throwing a party proud, but proud none the less.  In time I hope to gain self confidence and self compassion.  I am slowly rebuilding my relationship with myself.  We need to love ourselves, be confident in ourselves, and be our own best friends, we have to respect ourselves. 

Forever learning, and I'm ok with that for today

1 comment:

  1. Forever learning! Exactly. Congratulations on your sobriety! It's great to hear the lessons you've taken from the first 100.

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