Saturday, 8 June 2019

5 Months {152 days}

My husband has been away all week in the States for work.  I was in the garage yesterday and I had serious de ja vous, normally when he is away I drink a bit more than when he is here, mainly because I don't have anyone to answer to while he is away.  This week has been so much better than what they used to be like when he went away.  I have woken up hangover free, I can't say that enough, it is so nice not waking up feeling like a bus hit me, and someone took sandpaper to my tongue, and that throbbing headache that feels like someone is taking a hammer to your head.  I do not miss these things one little bit. 

I am proud of how I coped with him being away as well, it's the first trip he has been on since I was in hospital, and there were moments where I felt really lonely and I didn't feel like I was coping, but I have a new mantra when my anxiety kicks in, or my fight, flight, freeze is triggered.  I have to put my hand on something solid and I say I'm here, this is now.  It brings me back to the present.  A lot of my anxiety gets triggered when something reminds me of the abuse, or the violence that was in our house while I was growing up, I still don't know all my triggers but I am learning!

I had an appointment with my psychiatrist recently as well, and according to her I am no longer depressed.  I feel like a weight has been lifted since she said that to me.  Now I still have really crappy days where I feel like my world is ending, or that I've fallen down a well and can't get out, but they don't last as long as they used to, and I am learning new coping skills to help me overcome these feelings. 
My brother had a leaving function at his current job and they invited my husband and I, as my husband is away I went by myself.  I was anxious about going, but I went, and it was great to see people I haven't seen in years, and I coped well.  This time last year it is something that I would not have been able to do, so new things are happening which is really encouraging for me.   I was sitting next to my brother who was drinking wine, and I was tempted a few times to take a sip.  He asked me to get him a glass of wine at one point and I walked over to the serving area with trepidation, but I did it, and I managed not to take a sip.  I just have to keep reminding myself how far I have come, and how much I want to avoid slipping back into unhealthy coping mechanisms.  My son and my husband are my anchors that I think of when these thoughts come around, they both have said they are happier that I am not drinking so that is a huge incentive. 

I am trying to cut down on the sugar consumption, and I am not longer smoking, so it's a few new steps in the right direction, long way to go still, but this week I feel strong about my journey.  I wish I could bottle up weeks like this one where I don't hit too many brick walls, life would be so much easier if they were all like this one! 

If anyone is reading my blog I would love to hear your stories, and your coping mechanisms! 

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