Tuesday 4 June 2019

148 Days

Well I haven't written in a long time, I went through a bit of a struggle, not so much with drinking, but with low moods, and just generally struggling with anxiety and emotional pain.  I have realised a lot of my emotional pain comes from shame.  Why do victims of sexual abuse suffer with the pain, my psychiatrist asked me recently, why is it the victim that suffers the shame, and not the perpetraitor.  It is such a good question, and as a survivor of sexual abuse I don't have the answer to that question, I just know that for me at the moment shame is a daily battle.  It's not just shame from my past, but shame in my present too.  Shame at what I have done to my body over the years, with the alcohol abuse, but I also have eating disorders which have lead to me being obese, very obese.  I don't have a good relation with food at all.  I am either overeating, or not eating, or I have bulimia.  Food is such a struggle, it's the next big thing on my list to rectify, only through creating a healthy eating habit will I be able to better control my weight, and hopefully loose weight.  I am not entirely sure how to approach this, but today I joined weight watchers online to hopefully get good ideas for healthier meals, but also to track and hopefully maintain a steady weight loss in a healthy way. 

I have been reading the book I thought It Was Just Me but Brene Brown, it deals with shame and how shame is a universal emotion that we all have to deal with in one way or another.  And we all feel shame over different things, so what might be shaming for one person, wouldn't be for another.  She is also right in saying that as a general rule shame is not spoken about very often in an open manner, it causes more shame to discuss shame which is really sad, because talking about it can definitely make it less taboo and easier to deal with.  This is a mind of matter thing again, and I am amazed how our minds work, and how we find it so easy to lie to ourselves, or to hide away from the things that we struggle with. 

I have realised this last month that I suffer terribly from shame, and I need to open up about it and be honest with myself, otherwise nothing will change.  So yes, I am ashamed of my body because of what I have done to it, but also about my appearance being so overweight.  I am ashamed of my past and the sexual abuse that I have suffered, both as an adult and a child.  I am not sure how I deal with it fully yet, but I am trying.  I am also ashamed at the way my family treated me when I was growing up.  Something that I have realised since I started telling family members about my past is that I was expecting something from them, I am not entirely sure what I was hoping to get from them, but it has become very clear that I am not going to get it from them.  This has been hard to get my head and my emotions around, but I am on the path to getting there.  This too has caused me shame, because I feel what is wrong with me that I can't get it from my own family.  I have realised that just because you are related by blood doesn't mean you are going to get everything you need from family, and for me my friends are my family.  I am closing the door on my toxic relationships.  It's easy for me to write it all down, but much harder to put in place, but I am trying! 

Where do I go from here.  I am taking it one day at a time, and one hurdle at a time.  Some days I succeed and other days I find really hard. 

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