We all suffer with shame at one point or another, differing degrees and differing circumstances, but we all know the feeling of shame, and what it feels like to suffer it. Why then is it such a taboo feeling, we never admit when we are feeling ashamed, and for some the shame is not theirs to bear. We land up feeling ashamed because we are feeling shame.
When I was a child I was molested by my step grandfather, I don't know how old I was when the abuse started, but it continued till I was about 7 when he passed away. I was also abused by a cousin that is older than me, he was about 16 when the abuse happened. I was abused by another cousin, she made me perform sexual acts on another child, she is only about 4 years older than me. I am really struggling with accepting my history, struggling to accept that these things happened to me, and I am ashamed that they did happen to me. Why was I abused, and why by so many different people? I question was it something I said or did? As mentioned before I landed up in hospital last year suffering from depression and PTSD.
I am going to therapy every second week to work through my past and my shame. My psychiatrist asked me a really good question, why is it that the victims of abuse feel the shame when the shame is solely for the abuser to feel, yet as a person who suffered abuse I know that I feel a lot of shame around these events in my past. I was a victim of abuse, I am on my way to becoming a survivor. I think to be a survivor I have to have no shame about what happened because it was not, and never will be my fault. I also carry guilt about my abuse. I have also been sexually assaulted and raped as an adult, and I still blame myself for these two events. Up until now I haven't delved into these two events much in my therapy because the shame is too great. In trying to be honest with myself I know this is probably the next big hurdle I have in overcoming my shame, becoming a survivor, and moving forward.
So, what is shame and why does it affect victims so much. I know for me when I have flashbacks to when I was a child I feel violated, dirty, ashamed that someone did such vile things to a child, and a lot of anger. I think of my son and how I would feel if he came and told me someone had violated him. I think I would go mad with rage, but I would have to hold it together for him. So I feel justified in feeling so angry towards my abusers. The big question I am facing is what do I do next, I have tried to go through the legal avenues against one of my abusers but it got shut down before it even began, and yet here I am still holding on to so much anger and pain that I know I need to do something to heal, yet I don't know what that something is.
I know I have a lot of shame, and I know I shouldn't have it but what do I do with it, how do I deal with shame. I am ashamed of my past, ashamed of my past coping mechanisms, and ashamed of what I look like today. I am ashamed that I couldn't hold it together, and ashamed that I still have so many unhealthy coping mechanisms. So what next. The only thing I do know is that I have to be honest with myself about everything, I have to face them head on. If I can't do these things I will be stuck forever I fear.
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