Wow, it is nearly 3 years since my Dad passed away, I can't believe it! How does time march on so relentlessly, without regard for suffering or joyous occasions.
My emotional pain has been really high again, feel like I am being triggered. I have had a lot of dreams recently so think that has a lot to do with it, but there are times when I am triggered and I have no idea why. I have started to use a mantra that I read about in the Choice, by Edith Eger. Every time I am triggered I slow my breathing down and say over and over again - I am here, this is now! It works sometimes, other times it just takes longer to sink in, sometimes I have to hold something solid while I am saying it, other times it doesn't work and the only thing that helps the panic is to talk to my husband.
He was recently away for a week and I was petrified most of the time he was away, it's the first time since everything happened that I have been alone with our son. I was convinced something bad would happen and really struggled with my emotions, but I got through it. He is going away again in August, and I can already feel the dread. How sad that a past can take so much of a person away from them, and to rebuild takes time and a conscious effort, a lot of effort actually.
So I am 166 days without drinking. WOW, I know I keep saying it, but I never thought I would get so far. Sometimes I just want to pack it in if only for a brief moment, other times I try and bargain with myself, saying things like it's ok, we will just have one drink on a Friday night, or for special occasions. But deep down I have to remind myself that I have been lying to myself for years around alcohol consumption, so really what would be different this time, it would start with one drink on a Friday night and would slowly escalate bit by bit until I was drinking all the time again.
So what do I do during those brief moments to help myself stay strong and not drink, especially in moments where I am dealing with the memories or emotional pain, or the sheer panic of a panic attack. The go to would always have been pills or alcohol to try and numb the pain, sometimes it would work, other times it would not. Now I have painting, I love painting. The smell of the paint calms me as does the actual task of painting. Mindfulness colouring helps when I don't have the opportunity to paint, but I am also trying to practice drawing and that helps too. I am so grateful that I found art, it has been a life line during some of my darkest moments. So that's what helps get me through those moments of doubt. We all need to find that go to activity that will help settle the mind and take the focus off of our anxiety or panic. As human beings we default to anxiety over joy every time, so another good practice is to talk to yourself about something positive, I only just learnt this technique and it really works for me. Yesterday I woke up from a really bad dream and I was so anxious and closing in on a full blown panic attack. Yesterday also happened to be our anniversary, we have been together for 18 years, so I sat and wrote down facts and points about our relationship. Now it didn't take all the anxiety away, but I was definitely better off by the time I finished writing.
Practice makes perfect, forever learning. Two statements I am trying to learn to live by!
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