Tuesday, 24 March 2020

Scraping my Knees from my Fall and Trying Again, with a different approach!

Well last year my posts stopped around July time.  It was my wedding anniversary in July and I decided that I'd be able to have a few drinks with my husband for our anniversary and then I'd stop again until my 40th later in the year.  Well you can guess what happened.  I am drinking, vaping, struggling with anxiety and depression and the world has gone mad with me this time!  

What crazy times we are living in, I never ever thought anything like this would hapen during my lifetime, but here we are.  I have a son who I am now homeschooling, my husband is working from home all the time and I am slowly going crazier!  No, not really, I am loving the time that I get to spend with my son, and I love doing his school work with him.  In truth I am not drinking as much as I was, but I am loving having a glass or two in the evenings with or after dinner as a night cap.  I do get grumpy when my husband drinks my wine though.  

So, where do I go from here.  In truth I don't know.  Being totally sober was a good experience, but I like having a few drinks here and there.  The key is keeping it to a few drinks here or there.  Sometimes we go overboard, but I have to limit the amount of self-abuse I dish out, and I am trying to learn to be self-compassionate and practice good self-care habits.  I think for now those are the important things for me.  

Just before COVID-19 hit I had an appointment with my psychiatrist.  I am still seeing one, and she wanted me to go back into the day programme for a few weeks on a part-time basis to do the programmes that work for me, and also it would give her an opportunity to change up my meds a bit.  Christmas was hard, and just after christmas we found out that my Mom hasn't been very well and has lost a lot of weight.  The doctors can't find anything wrong, but she weighs under 50kg's at the moment which is not good, so I have a lot of feelings and guilt around that.  Guilt because, well that's another story for another day.   

So, I was told that I could start in the hospital today, but my son has asthma and my husband has high blood pressure, both high risk conditions if they were to contract COVID-19, so I decided the risk of going into the hospital on a daily basis just wasn't worth the risk of picking up the virus at this point.  I did say that if they still want to change up my meds then I would be willing to go in as an inpatient, they are going to discuss it at their multi-disciplinary meeting and let me know.  I miss going into the hospital to see the art therapist, and I miss going in to see the psychiatric nurse for a check up, but right now my place is at home, and I have to suck it up.  

I actually hate that saying, suck it up.  It is impossible to 'suck it up' when you are struggling with anger, depression, anxiety and I guess any mental health.  It is dibilitating suffering from PTSD sometimes, and anxiety can be so overwhelming that sometimes all you can do is lay down and pray that it passes sooner rather than later.  Inevitably it does pass, but man it can be hard waiting it out.  These are the times that I struggle with the most, and instead of laying down and waiting it out I can often be found somewhere in the house practising very unhealthy coping strategies, that in the end just add to the shame I feel daily.  I am a self harmer.  

There is no point saying that I only do this when or that I only use it when or that I haven't done cutting in ages.  The truth is my self harm takes on many faces, and each one makes me feel like crap.  But on a daily basis I still feel the need to practice my self-harm tendencies.  I wish I could stop.  It sounds so stupid, a grown women unable to stop self-harm, but I honestly can't at this point.  I am using it to cover up a lot of emotional pain that I just don't want to deal with, or rather at this point I just can't deal with - maybe I'm lying to myself, maybe I'm just a coward hiding behind bad habits.  The truth is out there, and they say the truth will set you free.  I am freaking terrified of my truth, to have to face all my demons, I am just not there right now.  

So for tonight I am going to try and stop stressing about the what ifs and the hopes and dreams for tomorrow, I am going to try and stop my mind from racing with all these thoughts and feelings, and I am going to try and put the shame outside the door for just a little while, I am going to sit and have a glass of wine without feeling guilty, and go to bed to try and sleep, and tomorrow is a new day!   

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