Day 9 - I'm Tired

Alcohol is an addictive depressant drug, it just doesn’t say it on the tin.

Why do we drink when it is so bad for us?  Why do we continue to use unhealthy coping mechanisms?  I realise that sometimes we use unhealthy ones because we are not aware, or choose to keep the blinds down so we don’t dwell on how unhealthy a habit or coping mechanism can be. 

For as long as I can remember I have been self harming, not just physically hurting myself by cutting or scratching or hitting something, but drinking, smoking, taking painkillers.  All of which I have become horribly dependant on.  I need to find someone to talk to about all this because it is wrecking my head.  After a boozy Christmas and New Year I have decided to not drink for 100 days, no self harming, no cigarettes, and using my medication appropriately as the doctor prescribed.  I sometimes forget to take it, and then double the dose to catch up. 

Even though I am prepared for the change, it is pretty confronting and terrifying writing this all in a blog, even if it is anonymous, being honest with myself is hard.  But I want to be able to practice healthy habits, and self compassion, and self care, and to do these things I have to be honest, brutally honest. 

According to my watch last night was the best nights sleep I have had last year, but I feel so tired.  My body is exhausted.  I am trying to be kind to myself and not stress that I am not getting much done.  Hopefully when the fatigue passes I will be more inclined to get stuck into the house.  

Today is day 9 – in some ways it has gone by really quick, KJ was back to school last week,  my husband went back to work, and me – well I have assignments for college so that’s keeping me busy, and this blog! 

I landed up getting a few non alcoholic beers yesterday, haven’t had one yet, but bought a few to try.  I was a bit wobbly yesterday.  I went to the shop, and on my way up the stairs my addictive side wanted to get a bottle of something, just one, but I soon forgot about it thanks to my son chatting away to me.  I did however subconsciously not go anywhere near the aisle with the alcohol.  I felt great when I got home, my willpower won out this time!  One day at a time, sometimes one hour at a time, but I am still determined.

Getting There, Wherever that is!

Since coming out of hospital there have been lots of good days, lots of bad days, and lots of days that were just OK.  Thankfully the bad days are a lot less now.  I am still on a fair bit of medication, but my psychiatrist is confident this will be for the short term, and not forever, but we will see what happens.  

While I was in hospital, not long before I was fully discharged I went to the police to report one of my childhood abusers.  He was a relative, but it was tricky because he lives in a different country to me.  
Reporting it was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do.  It took a total of 6 hours, and honestly any woman or man that reports sexual abuse of any kind to the authorities is my absolute hero.  It was so much harder than I thought it would be.  

I went in the morning, and they have to be as thorough as possible so there were so many awkward questions.  The Garda {police} were as kind as they could be, but from there perspective they have to get all the facts.  When I left I was a shaking ball of anxiety.  I felt awful.  I phoned a good friend as I didn't want to go home for my son to see me in this state, and she very kindly had a glass of wine waiting for me.  Now the wine was not the best idea, but up until recently I have been using alcohol to take the edge off, dull the senses.  I had no idea that while it did take the edge off, the next day my anxiety was worse, and this was most definitely down to the alcohol interacting badly with my tablets.  I had carried on drinking when I got home.  

The next couple of weeks were really hard as I waited for news.  They had to send the report to the country where my abuser lives and wait to hear back from them.  Now, the country I come from is not known for efficiency, so I knew it would be a long wait.  

At the end of November I got word from the police here in Ireland that the police where not going to do anything about my claims.  Apparently where I come from there is a clause in the constitution that crimes over 20 years can't be prosecuted through criminal law, but the police did recommend civil proceedings as I have an email where my abuser apologizes for his behaviour.  

I was devastated, I really didn't think I would be so hopeful of something happening, but I had been, and hearing the news really rocked me.  Of course I turned to alcohol again, and I kept drinking every night through December.

I shelved all decision making about what to do next until the New Year!  Now here I am in the New Year not having a clue what to do about it.  I guess I have to make some calls to lawyers and go from there.  
I am however in a much better place.  No drinking for just over a week.  All still brand new but I am trying.  I am tired, today I was very anxious, but I am sticking to my guns at the moment to go alcohol free for 100 days.