Day 9 - I'm Tired

Alcohol is an addictive depressant drug, it just doesn’t say it on the tin.

Why do we drink when it is so bad for us?  Why do we continue to use unhealthy coping mechanisms?  I realise that sometimes we use unhealthy ones because we are not aware, or choose to keep the blinds down so we don’t dwell on how unhealthy a habit or coping mechanism can be. 

For as long as I can remember I have been self harming, not just physically hurting myself by cutting or scratching or hitting something, but drinking, smoking, taking painkillers.  All of which I have become horribly dependant on.  I need to find someone to talk to about all this because it is wrecking my head.  After a boozy Christmas and New Year I have decided to not drink for 100 days, no self harming, no cigarettes, and using my medication appropriately as the doctor prescribed.  I sometimes forget to take it, and then double the dose to catch up. 

Even though I am prepared for the change, it is pretty confronting and terrifying writing this all in a blog, even if it is anonymous, being honest with myself is hard.  But I want to be able to practice healthy habits, and self compassion, and self care, and to do these things I have to be honest, brutally honest. 

According to my watch last night was the best nights sleep I have had last year, but I feel so tired.  My body is exhausted.  I am trying to be kind to myself and not stress that I am not getting much done.  Hopefully when the fatigue passes I will be more inclined to get stuck into the house.  

Today is day 9 – in some ways it has gone by really quick, KJ was back to school last week,  my husband went back to work, and me – well I have assignments for college so that’s keeping me busy, and this blog! 

I landed up getting a few non alcoholic beers yesterday, haven’t had one yet, but bought a few to try.  I was a bit wobbly yesterday.  I went to the shop, and on my way up the stairs my addictive side wanted to get a bottle of something, just one, but I soon forgot about it thanks to my son chatting away to me.  I did however subconsciously not go anywhere near the aisle with the alcohol.  I felt great when I got home, my willpower won out this time!  One day at a time, sometimes one hour at a time, but I am still determined.