New Goal - 1 Yr

Well it's been 113 days and I have finally committed to staying sober for the full year!  It took me awhile to commit because I wasn't sure what I wanted to do.  I knew I had to make another goal otherwise I wasn't going to stay sober, but I kept questioning if I wanted to continue to stay sober. 

I spoke to my son and my husband about it, and they both said they wanted me to stay off alcohol.  It was two very sobering conversations, especially with my 9 year old son.  It made me realise again just how much I was drinking before I stopped, and how badly I had let alcohol become the main focus of my life. 
My husband asked me if I miss it, my answer, yes at times I do miss the escape that alcohol offered.  And the bravery it gave me, you know that phone call you really don't want to make, have a few glasses of anything and it doesn't look so daunting, big problem though is that in the morning you will not quite remember what you said, so is it worth it - no.  Apart from these brief moments I don't miss it.  I don't miss stressing about making sure I had wine or gin at home, or stressing where I was going to find the money to buy it.  Or wandering how I was going to hide the second bottle I had bought, so my husband didn't see just how much I was drinking every night.  I don't miss the person it made me, and I definitely do not miss the fog in the morning, or the queasy stomach, or pounding headache.  There are so many more positives to not drinking than there is to actually having that glass of anything that might numb you for awhile, but it certainly doesn't solve any of the problems you might be having. 

So, here I go - I am officially committing to the full year. 

Over 100 Days - Wow, I almost can't believe it.

I had great plans to celebrate 100 days of no drinking, instead I spent the night running to the loo and throwing up with a vomiting bug, and have been in bed for two days with fevers and chills. 
 
The last few weeks have not been easy, I have been very up and down emotionally, mentally and physically. 

My husband asked me this morning if I miss drinking, and the truth is, no not really.  Over the weekend we were away and met up with friends for a BBQ, and I didn't even think twice about the fact that I wasn't drinking.  I do miss the escape sometimes - when my anxiety is really high, or I get that emotional pain, it was always then that I drank most, but in truth I realise now that drinking only made those emotions harder to deal with, because although it provided an escape at the time, the next morning I always felt worse.  On top of the emotions I had tried to run from I felt like throwing up from the hangovers, or I would wander what I said to someone and are they cross with me now.  I don't miss the hangovers, in fact it is amazing waking up in the morning without the fog, being able to get out of bed on time without feeling dazed and feeling like you are going to throw up all the time. 

Now that I am passed 100 days I need to set myself a new target, because if I don't I will land up drinking again, I'm not sure yet what my new goal is, but I will set it this week! 

In the last 100 days I have learnt that I can live without alcohol, something I was afraid to do.  Why was I afraid of it, because I was worried about dealing with all the emotions I was running from.  I was worried I would be 'boring'.  I didn't want to feel like I was missing out.  I was afraid of trying and failing, I think that was one of my biggest fears, and the reason I started this blog.  I didn't tell anyone when I started because I didn't want to fail and have to deal with explaining, so I started the blog so that I could be accountable to myself, in fact I have realised that it is important to be honest with ourselves first, and not worry so much about everyone else.  I was living a lie, but worse still, I was lying to myself daily, I didn't respect myself, or believe in myself.  I am proud of myself, not jumping around throwing a party proud, but proud none the less.  In time I hope to gain self confidence and self compassion.  I am slowly rebuilding my relationship with myself.  We need to love ourselves, be confident in ourselves, and be our own best friends, we have to respect ourselves. 

Forever learning, and I'm ok with that for today

85 Days

I never thought when I started this journey that I could make it to 85 days.  I have even become comfortable at home with my husband having beers in the fridge.  He is not like me, he can leave them in the fridge forever, I'd have them drunk the day I bought them! 

But I am ok having them in the fridge, I just have to make sure I stock up on a few nice juices every week, as well as non-alcoholic beer which has become my saviour at the weekends, and Fever Tree Tonics, love them. 
I haven't been writing as much the last few weeks, they haven't been good ones, I have been feeling irritable and depressed, and have had a very short fuse when it comes to my temper.  It's my own fault, I stopped taking my meds as prescribed, I still can't tell you why I do it, it's like I have a switch in my mind, and once its been switched on I am not fully in control of the things that I do.  I know this sounds crazy and maybe I am crazy, but that's what it feels like.  It's like when I cut myself or scratch myself, I don't really seem to consciously make the decision to do it, but when I come back to myself I realise what I have done it is almost like a shock to the system, but the sense of relief I feel after is often so big that I don't feel the shame till the next day.  Then I really do feel crazy the next day.  I am not sure if that makes sense, but that's what it feels like in my head. 

I have been failing in a few areas lately, the first as mentioned already is taking my meds as prescribed.  The second is smoking, I have had the odd smoke these past week, it's not ideal, but I am going to try and be kind to myself about it.  I haven't had a drink, and I am determined to make it to 100 days, what I do after those 100 days I don't know.  I started out aiming for 100 days I think because I didn't know if I could make that, I still can't quite believe I have managed 100 days.  I don't know what I do next, will I have a drink after those 100 days or not, I just don't have that answer.  The smart thing to do would be to just give up completely, but am I that smart! 

The area I am failing in which I have been in a bit of denial about is taking pain meds.  I have been in a lot of pain with my knee and foot for a long time, and I started taking a codeine based med, which I should not have done, but I was in so much pain.  The pain is much more manageable on the meds but it's not ideal to be on them.  I am caught in a catch 22, I am going to go and see my GP about it and see if she can't prescribe something that is not addictive.  I am nowhere near as bad as I was, and maybe being aware of the dangers is enough, but I still don't like the fact that I have been taking them. 

So while I am doing good with the no drinking I have fallen in a few other areas, but I am not going to beat myself up like I normally would.  They have happened and the important thing now is not the falling, but what I do next, so I am going to try and dust myself off , step up and try and get back on track. 

Coping, not Coping Ramblings

Sometimes you just have to find a quiet place and cry your eyes out, or you need to do some shouting therapy. 

I think I need to do some shouting therapy and then have a good cry.  I have been on the verge of tears for the last week and have had a very short temper. 

I have realised that sometimes it feels like we are coping, and finding it ‘easy’ to cope, but if someone asks the wrong question, we watch a sad show, or we are triggered by ANYTHING – the dam wall breaks and we have a tidal wave of emotion.  Then we sit back and wander what the hell just happened – because we thought we were coping pretty well.  The danger in thinking you are doing well, is that you don’t address an emotion or feeling as it arises, we push it down, brush it under the carpet because we are doing well, we don’t need to look at that in any closer details – or do we? 

I have been going through the motions, and feeling ok, and I was coping.  That was until a close friend asked me how I was doing.  I nearly started crying there and then!  I met this friend when I was in hospital since then, and for the last year it has been amazing getting to know her and sharing my journey with someone who understands it better than most. 

Was it because of the space we met in I wandered, was it the questions itself?  It made me question a few things on my drive home, and I realised that while I thought I was coping pretty well I had stopped checking in with myself and actually being honest with myself.  In truth I have gone down a side track, and I need to put the breaks on.  I am still alcohol free, but along the way I started taking painkillers for my foot, which led to me taking more painkillers when I wasn’t really in physical pain, which led to me missing a dose or two of my actual medication. ☹ 

So, what to do next!  I have to first be honest, and admit that I have wandered down the side track, I have to stop and take stock and decide, do I keep going down this side track, or do I reverse and try and get back to the main road, stop taking the painkillers and get back on my meds properly again.  Aaaarggh why is it so hard to just do the right thing.  It is so much easier doing the ‘wrong’ thing.  Taking the painkillers numbs the emotions that I thought I was coping with, so all it does is numb the immediate sensation, and it gets stuffed down a hole, and it’s like a volcano, once that hole is too full it will explode, and that’s when the tidal wave hits and things go really wrong. 

So I am still alcohol free, but I have to start again with my meds and the painkillers, and smoking.  

My First Email - YAY

I got an amazing email this morning that really made my day, so thank you so much.  

I have been feeling a bit low and uninspired for the last few weeks, and your email made me feel all warm and fuzzy, and gave me the motivation to keep going.

If anyone else wants to get in touch please feel free to email me, or comment on any post.  It is so encouraging for me to hear from people, and makes me feel less alone.  

Trying Times - Day 57

Being alcohol free, taking your meds at the right times and in the right doses, staying off all forms of self-medication is really hard work.

I have two injuries at the moment that I am carrying and two weeks ago I had to take a stronger painkiller as I was nearly not walking, I was in so much pain.  No, I am an all or nothing type of person, so after the first dose I completely failed at taking the medication as it is meant to be taking and

landed up taking higher doses.  It was an over the counter medication with codeine in it.  I felt awful the next day, not only did my head feel cloudy, but I had failed and done what I said I wasn’t going to do.

Now I hadn’t posted for awhile till this last weekend, and this is the reason why.  I wasn’t sure what to say or if I was going to blog about it at all.  But if I can’t be honest with myself then who can I be honest with.  I must stand up to my mistakes, face them, forgive them, and put them behind me and move forward.  So, I have finally made some form of peace with the mistake I made

.

I am proud that I have stayed alcohol and cigarette free.  I slipped up, but sometimes you must go backwards in order to move forward, and this was my few steps back – now to make a leap forward again. 

My anxiety is high again, today was one of those days when by lunch time you are craving wine o’clock or gin o’clock to come quicker, wishing the day away.  I must learn to stop doing that.  There are a few stresses in my life at the moment, and one of them can trigger my PTSD so that’s why my anxiety is high again.  I am trying to learn to breathe through it, it can be so hard and debilitating though.

My son isn’t well at the moment either so that just adds another layer to the anxiety.  Hopefully I won’t have to take him into the hospital.  He has asthma, and he is very wheezy at the moment.

I still can’t believe that I have managed 57 days without drinking, I never thought I would be able to stop drinking for this long, and I have to say I am loving the fact that I wake up hangover free.  I am tired though, really tired a lot of the time, and I haven’t lost any weight, in fact I think I might have put on even more weight, and it’s not like I needed to do that at all.
  

So, now that the alcohol-free thing is ticking over, I have decided to join the gym to try and get my life back on track, loose a lot of weight and take another step to being healthier.  One of the things that I do struggle with is eating, when my anxiety is high, I often can’t eat, so land up taking small snacks, but never healthy ones to tide me over, and this is normally followed by me over indulging when it passes.  This does not help my weight problem at all.  I have bulimia, who would have thought that bulimia is not only for people who are anorexic!  It’s not all the time, but when I am under duress or anxiety is high this is one of the things that I turn to. 

It’s frustrating in a way that I can’t just wake up and be better, it is a slow step by step journey that I am on, changing one thing at a time, it would be too overwhelming trying to change everything in one go.  I have also learnt to be a lot more compassionate towards my self.  I still carry a deep sense of shame because of what I have done to myself over the years, and I think it is going to take a lot more time to get over that feeling of intense shame, but I am on the journey.  I might take a few steps back every now and then, but I have to learn to forgive myself and get back up, never quit – slowly keep moving towards my goals.  Slow and steady right.  This is a new concept for me,

First Test - Day 55

So last night was my first test, having people over and them drinking while I was not!  I think having the non-alcoholic gin in the house helped me, it is a nice treat to have a nice drink in the evening, and it is even better that it is not alcohol!!!  Bonus, no sore head this morning, no feeling wrecked or dragging my heals. 

So, I managed ok, there were a few moments in the evening where I nearly lost myself.  Little things like my husband drinks Whiskey, and occasionally I would normally take a sip and I found myself going for the glass on one occasion as I walked past his drink, and then I realised what I was doing!  The other was my friends left a beer and a bit of wine behind, I had to toss them down the sink, I couldn’t have that bit of an open bottle of wine in the house, it would play on my mind too much. 

All in all it was nowhere near as bad as I thought it was going to be, and our friends don’t drink that much either so it was a very relaxed evening and I really enjoyed it even without drinking – who knew staying sober could be fun too!

I am on day 55 now of being sober, I can’t believe in a way that I have made it this far.  Will I drink again, I honestly don’t know?  I started this journey saying I would give up for a hundred days, I am 55 days in, more than half way.  Has it been easy?  No, not all the time.  The first few weeks were hard because I was so used to coming home in the evening and craving that all important glass of wine, or gin and tonic.  I think I lived for that drink in the evening that would take the edge off, even though taking the edge off meant paying for it later.  I never realised how anxious drinking made me the next day until I got a few weeks into being alcohol free.  The alcohol was great at distracting and numbing the pain in the short term, but you always pay for it the next morning with either a hangover or intense anxious feelings. 

Did I find last night easy, yes, I did, I never thought I would be so at peace at a dinner without having alcohol, but it was fine.  To be fair it wasn’t a roaring party, but it was my first try at being in the company of people who are drinking, and I survived, I have to give myself that and I am proud of myself. 

I started CBT therapy last week.  I have never been to a CBT therapist before and I found it interesting.  She confirmed my psychiatrist’s diagnosis of PTSD.  I don’t find it as jarring to hear someone else tell me I have PTSD anymore.  I think I am slowly coming to accept that I have it, and now I have to learn to live with it, and I need to understand it.  I am looking forward to this journey into CBT, it is so different to art psychotherapy which I am studying, but it is good. 

As for everything else in my life, I am trying so hard to be with everything, it is hard, and I am still not 100% good on taking my medication properly.  What is it about mental illness that we don’t want to take the medication?  If I have a headache, I have no problem taking a tablet, or when I tore my ligaments, I had no problem seeking help and doing the therapy and the operations and taking medication when I had to.  But my depression, it is a silent killer, because it is the unseen that is so dangerous.  In front of people we put up a brave front, but a lot of the time it takes everything we have to put the brave front up, and it is exhausting.  I know that I am so much better than I was, but I still collapsed in a heap when our guests left last night because I was tired.  There are a lot of factors to this feeling, a lot of them are not my issues, but I know there is an element of exhaustion which comes from the effort of being with other people.  It is not always exhausting, but it often is.

Now I am heading into day fifty six, I am tired from the weekend – I have a friend going through a really hard time, and I am trying really hard to be there for her.  She recently started therapy because she has been struggling with anxiety, she has been through a lot recently, and is currently going through a lot.  She revealed some of her past to me last week, and it triggered me – and being with her is triggering because of what she is going through, but I am trying to use the tools my course has given me to listen and recognise that I am not always feeling things that are mine.

I apologise if this entry is a bit confusing or all over the place, I have had to sit down to it three times.  I hope you get it though.