Healing from an abusive past.

Emotional pain is a b*tch. 

What does it mean to heal from the past?  How do you know when you have healed?  Do you ever truly heal from the past?  How will I know when I am better?

All these are questions that I used to constantly ask my psychiatrist when I was an inpatient for 9 weeks.  9 weeks, sounds so long, in reality it went by in a flash after the first weekend.  I got used to being there, I got used to the routine.  I didn’t want to leave in the end.  But I was glad to get home to my boys, when I was an inpatient, I missed them like crazy.  It was hard in the beginning adjusting to ‘life on the outside’, you become institutionalised being an inpatient with your movements restricted.  But I was so grateful for all the help that I had received whilst I was an inpatient. 

It is nearly a year since I was first admitted to the day hospital, the 29th March.  The last year has been one of the hardest, and longest and at times I didn’t think I wanted to be around anymore because it was so hard.  I had remembered the abuse throughout my life, but anytime it surfaced I would push it back to a place I didn’t have to face it.  Stopping and taking the time to face the past is hard.  Being triggered and finding out more of your past is hard, it’s amazing how the mind works, and how much of our past we are able to bury.  I spent my teen years and in my twenties running so hard from myself, my 30’s I was in self destruct mode along the way, but I tried really hard to be a good Mom and pull myself together.  To cope I started drinking more and more to dull the pain of the present and the past. 

Which day is it Again???

Which day is it Again??? 

So, for a second there I couldn’t remember what day I was on being drink free.  I shocked myself, I thought I would be clock watching all the time, turns out a few days went by, in fact nearly a week without me counting how many days I have gone without drinking!  Who knew I could actually have a day or two free of thinking about drinking or the fact that I have gone alcohol free! 

I am on day 24, doesn’t sound like a lot when you write it down.  But when I think of November and December where I couldn’t go a day without drinking I am pretty happy with the results so far.  The last few days have been tough though.  As I have mentioned before I was sexually abused as a child.  I am still finding it hard to know what to do next on my current journey towards healing myself.  I went to the police and they sent the report off to the country where the abuse happened, but it turned out that it is part of the countries constitution that they will not follow up on a crime that is more than 20 years old.  They recommend I try taking the case to civil court.  I have contacted a lawyer and it turns out I will have to go back in order to proceed with the case if I choose to take legal action.  I was speaking with a friend about it this morning, and she said she is really worried about me because she can see that all of this is eating away at me, and that I need to try and put it behind me.  The problem is I don’t know what to do or how to put it behind me at this point.  What if he does it again, and I know I could have done something to stop him.  How would I live with that knowledge! 

I don’t know what to do, and I really do feel a bit trapped at the moment.  So I know this is having an impact on my emotional state, and my anxiety levels.  Before I would have consumed alcohol to dull the pain, which in turn would lead to sleepless nights filled with insomnia and bad thoughts and feeling depressed which would more than likely lead to me self harming.  Alcohol consumption is also a form of self harm!  But instead I have eaten doughnuts {I have been craving sugar}, and heading to bed early.  I haven't been getting the best nights sleep, and have had bad dreams twice this week already, but I am proud of the fact that I am not drinking and doing more damage to myself.  

Where do we go from here, well I am still taking it one day at a time, trying not to think too far into the future, but I know that I have already come further than I ever thought I could or would.  I have had wobbles, and I have had hard days.  On those days I tend to treat myself to a cake, muffin or doughnut.  

I have tried a few non alcoholic beers and have found one that I like, I have also found non alcoholic gin, having tried a few I know which one I like.  Pouring myself a glass of sparkling water with ice and lemon has also proved a success.  

The hardest thing so far is having to deal with the emotional pain, it is always there, and I would drink  to take the edge off.  Now I have to find healthier alternatives and I am finding them slowly.  If I can do this, anyone can.  You just have to make up your mind to do it.  I think I need to apply that to my other problems too instead of letting them fester.  

It is all a learning curve, and I am learning a lot about myself, I am finding myself after years of self abuse.

Day 17

It is day 17, and so far it has been OK.  

I am really tired though, but I am getting so much more sleep than I was when I was drinking and smoking!  Part of it is that I used to stay up to drink, and the other is that I used to fall asleep on the couch, and then you are doomed to not get a good nights sleep! 

So, all in all I am seeing a lot of positives, and I am not finding it as hard as I thought it was going to be.  I love waking up without a hangover, and without feeling like my head is in the clouds and I can't focus.  I am going to bed easier, and haven't suffered with insomnia as much as I was.  I am not waking up at 3am, I am pretty much sleeping through.  I think my body is not used to so much rest because I am so tired most of the time.  

I am always one for change, and we are moving house in February.  I don't find moving house that stressful, in fact I secretly love it. 

13 Days - Weekend No.2

This weekend I have stocked up on alcohol free beer.  Yum!  It tastes the same, and I am loving the alcohol free strawberry and Lime cider, and the alcohol free gin, which tastes just like gin!!!!  Who knew you could have drinks without getting drunk.  Huge plus in my books. 

The last few days have been a bit trying, and I have had the demon on my shoulder whispering sweet nothings about taking the edge off, after a stressful day just have the one and imagine how good it will feel.  Now these thoughts are not always there, but they pop up at the most random times and almost take my breath away sometimes when they are overwhelming. 
Earlier I opened the kitchen draw and saw the scissors and that led me to think about cutting.  I haven't had a thought like that in ages.  I was looking for a torch! 

My anxiety has been really high the last few days with a bit of stress thrown in for fun too.  ~But I am proud to say I have stood firm and not given in to the demon on my shoulder.  I am not necessarily enjoying waking up in the morning, after all it is winter, and it's dark and cold outside {I have never really been a morning person}, but my insomnia has been better, I am sleeping more than 4 hours a night which is amazing, I wake up with energy instead of feeling foggy and nauseous, and I am not shouting at my son first thing in the morning, well just not every morning maybe!  

I have been on a medication that has the side effects of causing your feet to swell.  My feet were so swollen I had to go out and buy bigger shoes, I blamed the medication for months.  Since I stopped drinking they have slowly gone down and are almost back to normal.  So it was the alcohol causing my edema, and not the medication.  I am looking forward to discovering more benefits while I am on this journey.  

All in all a few wobbly days, but I am holding out and trying to beat that demon on my shoulder!  

What to name my demon?

A lot of different people recommend naming your inner demon, you know the one that encourages you to drink, and happily pushes an agenda when you try and be good.  The one that says tonight will be different, we really will only have one drink, and you have great intentions to only have the one.  Once you become addicted though, that one is never enough.  

I remember talking recently with a friend and I was amazed at how she can go out and have a couple of drinks and then stop, she was equally amazed when I admitted that I struggle to stop, no matter how drunk I get.  There is the inner demon saying go on, just one more won't matter.  

The alcohol demon sits on your shoulder and begs you to give in, not every day, but often enough.  It is particularly vocal when you are anxious, having a bad day, or have had a busy today.  Tonight is one of those nights.  It wasn't the best day, my anxiety is really high and I would like nothing more than a glass of wine/prosecco to dampen the anxiety down.  It would never be just the one glass though, I would land up buying two bottles just in case, and would probably drink both if not 1 and a half bottles.  

So tonight I am going to say screw you, and I am going to take my medication as prescribed, and I am going to shower and go to bed after a non alcoholic beer or two.  

I still don't have a name yet, will have to think up one overnight! 

Buying Non-Alcoholic Beverages

So my mind has been on what to have instead of the usual drinks in the evening.  I have sparkling water most nights, but I have been wandering what to have in place of drinks especially at the weekend, a treat!  I could do mocktails, but that involves buying lots of ingredients, and who has time to make them.  

So I have found a non-alcoholic gin, and there are a few non-alcoholic beers on the market, so I am going to try them and see what I like.  The big question is, is it right to have a non-alcoholic version, or just stick with the plain things like sparkling water, will the non-alcoholic beverages tempt me further to go back to drinking.  

I like to think they won't, it's nice having grown up time without getting wasted on alcohol, so we will see what the next week holds.  

I haven't been overly tempted or overly stressed as yet, and I don't miss the hangovers, or the fuzzy feeling in the mornings.  I am not exactly waking up fresh as ever yet, am still struggling with fatigue, and not  the best sleeps at night.  Hopefully these will begin to improve.  

Some of the benefits so far, well as I said no hangovers, or fuzzy feelings.  I have also reduced the swelling I had in my ankles by a significant amount, so my old shoes are starting to fit me again.  I never put down the swollen ankles to alcohol, I blamed one of the medications I was on, but I think now it was the combination of the two.  I am finding it a lot easier to fall asleep at night. Through reading the sober mummy blog and doing a bit of research it's amazing how many areas of your life are affected by alcohol.  

Day 9 - I'm Tired

Alcohol is an addictive depressant drug, it just doesn’t say it on the tin.

Why do we drink when it is so bad for us?  Why do we continue to use unhealthy coping mechanisms?  I realise that sometimes we use unhealthy ones because we are not aware, or choose to keep the blinds down so we don’t dwell on how unhealthy a habit or coping mechanism can be. 

For as long as I can remember I have been self harming, not just physically hurting myself by cutting or scratching or hitting something, but drinking, smoking, taking painkillers.  All of which I have become horribly dependant on.  I need to find someone to talk to about all this because it is wrecking my head.  After a boozy Christmas and New Year I have decided to not drink for 100 days, no self harming, no cigarettes, and using my medication appropriately as the doctor prescribed.  I sometimes forget to take it, and then double the dose to catch up. 

Even though I am prepared for the change, it is pretty confronting and terrifying writing this all in a blog, even if it is anonymous, being honest with myself is hard.  But I want to be able to practice healthy habits, and self compassion, and self care, and to do these things I have to be honest, brutally honest. 

According to my watch last night was the best nights sleep I have had last year, but I feel so tired.  My body is exhausted.  I am trying to be kind to myself and not stress that I am not getting much done.  Hopefully when the fatigue passes I will be more inclined to get stuck into the house.  

Today is day 9 – in some ways it has gone by really quick, KJ was back to school last week,  my husband went back to work, and me – well I have assignments for college so that’s keeping me busy, and this blog! 

I landed up getting a few non alcoholic beers yesterday, haven’t had one yet, but bought a few to try.  I was a bit wobbly yesterday.  I went to the shop, and on my way up the stairs my addictive side wanted to get a bottle of something, just one, but I soon forgot about it thanks to my son chatting away to me.  I did however subconsciously not go anywhere near the aisle with the alcohol.  I felt great when I got home, my willpower won out this time!  One day at a time, sometimes one hour at a time, but I am still determined.