Shame, the unspoken feeling that we all have over different things

We all suffer with shame at one point or another, differing degrees and differing circumstances, but we all know the feeling of shame, and what it feels like to suffer it.  Why then is it such a taboo feeling, we never admit when we are feeling ashamed, and for some the shame is not theirs to bear.  We land up feeling ashamed because we are feeling shame.  

When I was a child I was molested by my step grandfather, I don't know how old I was when the abuse started, but it continued till I was about 7 when he passed away.  I was also abused by a cousin that is older than me, he was about 16 when the abuse happened.  I was abused by another cousin, she made me perform sexual acts on another child, she is only about 4 years older than me.  I am really struggling with accepting my history, struggling to accept that these things happened to me, and I am ashamed that they did happen to me.  Why was I abused, and why by so many different people?  I question was it something I said or did?  As mentioned before I landed up in hospital last year suffering from depression and PTSD.  

I am going to therapy every second week to work through my past and my shame.  My psychiatrist asked me a really good question, why is it that the victims of abuse feel the shame when the shame is solely for the abuser to feel, yet as a person who suffered abuse I know that I feel a lot of shame around these events in my past.  I was a victim of abuse, I am on my way to becoming a survivor.  I think to be a survivor I have to have no shame about what happened because it was not, and never will be my fault.  I also carry guilt about my abuse.  I have also been sexually assaulted and raped as an adult, and I still blame myself for these two events.  Up until now I haven't delved into these two events much in my therapy because the shame is too great.  In trying to be honest with myself I know this is probably the next big hurdle I have in overcoming my shame, becoming a survivor, and moving forward. 

So, what is shame and why does it affect victims so much.  I know for me when I have flashbacks to when I was a child I feel violated, dirty, ashamed that someone did such vile things to a child, and a lot of anger.  I think of my son and how I would feel if he came and told me someone had violated him.  I think I would go mad with rage, but I would have to hold it together for him.  So I feel justified in feeling so angry towards my abusers.  The big question I am facing is what do I do next, I have tried to go through the legal avenues against one of my abusers but it got shut down before it even began, and yet here I am still holding on to so much anger and pain that I know I need to do something to heal, yet I don't know what that something is.  

I know I have a lot of shame, and I know I shouldn't have it but what do I do with it, how do I deal with shame.  I am ashamed of my past, ashamed of my past coping mechanisms, and ashamed of what I look like today.  I am ashamed that I couldn't hold it together, and ashamed that I still have so many unhealthy coping mechanisms.  So what next.  The only thing I do know is that I have to be honest with myself about everything, I have to face them head on.  If I can't do these things I will be stuck forever I fear.                                                    

158 Days

A year sounds so long, 365 days even longer.  I am still about 20 days off of half a year, 6 months of no drinking.  I feel amazing, love the fact that my ankles have stopped swelling, no hangovers, and as an added bonus when I go out we get to drive there and back.  So I am saving on taxis/buses as well as all the health benefits to not drinking.

The big question when people ask me if I found it hard or do I miss it.  Yes sometimes it is hard to stay motivated, and yes sometimes I miss the feeling you get after a few glasses of wine, but these thoughts are not all encompassing, they are brief, and after thinking I miss it, I reassess where I am at and how good I feel for not drinking and I realise I don't miss it as much as I thought I would.  If you had told me this time last year that I would go 100 days of not drinking I would not have believed it.  I was so stuck in the cycle of having wine every night, I remember the panicked feeling I would get if my 6pm I had no wine in the house.  Drinking ruled my life and when I wasnt actually drinking I was thinking about drinking. 

There are other benefits to not drinking too, a huge one for us is the cost.  We have saved over €3000 since I stopped drinking.

Now I do have an addictive personality and I have replaced drinking with eating junk food a lot more than I used to, my sweet of choice at the moment is white chocolate.  So, I have something else at the moment that I need to cut down, but I am going to be proud and happy with the fact that I have not had a drink in over 5 months. 

5 Months {152 days}

My husband has been away all week in the States for work.  I was in the garage yesterday and I had serious de ja vous, normally when he is away I drink a bit more than when he is here, mainly because I don't have anyone to answer to while he is away.  This week has been so much better than what they used to be like when he went away.  I have woken up hangover free, I can't say that enough, it is so nice not waking up feeling like a bus hit me, and someone took sandpaper to my tongue, and that throbbing headache that feels like someone is taking a hammer to your head.  I do not miss these things one little bit. 

I am proud of how I coped with him being away as well, it's the first trip he has been on since I was in hospital, and there were moments where I felt really lonely and I didn't feel like I was coping, but I have a new mantra when my anxiety kicks in, or my fight, flight, freeze is triggered.  I have to put my hand on something solid and I say I'm here, this is now.  It brings me back to the present.  A lot of my anxiety gets triggered when something reminds me of the abuse, or the violence that was in our house while I was growing up, I still don't know all my triggers but I am learning!

I had an appointment with my psychiatrist recently as well, and according to her I am no longer depressed.  I feel like a weight has been lifted since she said that to me.  Now I still have really crappy days where I feel like my world is ending, or that I've fallen down a well and can't get out, but they don't last as long as they used to, and I am learning new coping skills to help me overcome these feelings. 
My brother had a leaving function at his current job and they invited my husband and I, as my husband is away I went by myself.  I was anxious about going, but I went, and it was great to see people I haven't seen in years, and I coped well.  This time last year it is something that I would not have been able to do, so new things are happening which is really encouraging for me.   I was sitting next to my brother who was drinking wine, and I was tempted a few times to take a sip.  He asked me to get him a glass of wine at one point and I walked over to the serving area with trepidation, but I did it, and I managed not to take a sip.  I just have to keep reminding myself how far I have come, and how much I want to avoid slipping back into unhealthy coping mechanisms.  My son and my husband are my anchors that I think of when these thoughts come around, they both have said they are happier that I am not drinking so that is a huge incentive. 

I am trying to cut down on the sugar consumption, and I am not longer smoking, so it's a few new steps in the right direction, long way to go still, but this week I feel strong about my journey.  I wish I could bottle up weeks like this one where I don't hit too many brick walls, life would be so much easier if they were all like this one! 

If anyone is reading my blog I would love to hear your stories, and your coping mechanisms! 

148 Days

Well I haven't written in a long time, I went through a bit of a struggle, not so much with drinking, but with low moods, and just generally struggling with anxiety and emotional pain.  I have realised a lot of my emotional pain comes from shame.  Why do victims of sexual abuse suffer with the pain, my psychiatrist asked me recently, why is it the victim that suffers the shame, and not the perpetraitor.  It is such a good question, and as a survivor of sexual abuse I don't have the answer to that question, I just know that for me at the moment shame is a daily battle.  It's not just shame from my past, but shame in my present too.  Shame at what I have done to my body over the years, with the alcohol abuse, but I also have eating disorders which have lead to me being obese, very obese.  I don't have a good relation with food at all.  I am either overeating, or not eating, or I have bulimia.  Food is such a struggle, it's the next big thing on my list to rectify, only through creating a healthy eating habit will I be able to better control my weight, and hopefully loose weight.  I am not entirely sure how to approach this, but today I joined weight watchers online to hopefully get good ideas for healthier meals, but also to track and hopefully maintain a steady weight loss in a healthy way. 

I have been reading the book I thought It Was Just Me but Brene Brown, it deals with shame and how shame is a universal emotion that we all have to deal with in one way or another.  And we all feel shame over different things, so what might be shaming for one person, wouldn't be for another.  She is also right in saying that as a general rule shame is not spoken about very often in an open manner, it causes more shame to discuss shame which is really sad, because talking about it can definitely make it less taboo and easier to deal with.  This is a mind of matter thing again, and I am amazed how our minds work, and how we find it so easy to lie to ourselves, or to hide away from the things that we struggle with. 

I have realised this last month that I suffer terribly from shame, and I need to open up about it and be honest with myself, otherwise nothing will change.  So yes, I am ashamed of my body because of what I have done to it, but also about my appearance being so overweight.  I am ashamed of my past and the sexual abuse that I have suffered, both as an adult and a child.  I am not sure how I deal with it fully yet, but I am trying.  I am also ashamed at the way my family treated me when I was growing up.  Something that I have realised since I started telling family members about my past is that I was expecting something from them, I am not entirely sure what I was hoping to get from them, but it has become very clear that I am not going to get it from them.  This has been hard to get my head and my emotions around, but I am on the path to getting there.  This too has caused me shame, because I feel what is wrong with me that I can't get it from my own family.  I have realised that just because you are related by blood doesn't mean you are going to get everything you need from family, and for me my friends are my family.  I am closing the door on my toxic relationships.  It's easy for me to write it all down, but much harder to put in place, but I am trying! 

Where do I go from here.  I am taking it one day at a time, and one hurdle at a time.  Some days I succeed and other days I find really hard. 

Spoil Yourself

So I have decided to do a year without alcohol.  A year sounds SO LONG, I know it isn't that long, but to keep me motivated I decided to set myself small targets.  So I recently purchased a charm bracelet and every time I pass a 50 day marker my husband is going to buy me a charm for the bracelet. 

I was recently wandering what is happening with my body since I gave up alcohol, so I did a bit of research and I was shocked at the damage alcohol inflicts on the body.  It is probably something I should have looked up ages ago, but never did manage to do it.  I have been sober for 115 days now and it's amazing to read up on all the things that are changing.  One huge thing for me is sleep.  I never used to sleep well and always felt that I needed alcohol to help me fall asleep.  It's true alcohol makes you fall asleep quicker, but your overall quality of sleep is very bad.  The medication I am on helps to relax me at night and fall asleep, and I often fall asleep downstairs trying to stay awake to watch the latest show :-)  But my overall sleep has improved so much - I don't wake up in the morning feeling restless and groggy, and by 5 in the afternoon, I am tired but it's a different kind of tired.  It is a revelation!!!!!!

There are lots of good things happening that you can't notice too, organs and cells are regenerating and your body is generally recovering from years of abuse, it's shocking how bad alcohol actually is for your body. 

New Goal - 1 Yr

Well it's been 113 days and I have finally committed to staying sober for the full year!  It took me awhile to commit because I wasn't sure what I wanted to do.  I knew I had to make another goal otherwise I wasn't going to stay sober, but I kept questioning if I wanted to continue to stay sober. 

I spoke to my son and my husband about it, and they both said they wanted me to stay off alcohol.  It was two very sobering conversations, especially with my 9 year old son.  It made me realise again just how much I was drinking before I stopped, and how badly I had let alcohol become the main focus of my life. 
My husband asked me if I miss it, my answer, yes at times I do miss the escape that alcohol offered.  And the bravery it gave me, you know that phone call you really don't want to make, have a few glasses of anything and it doesn't look so daunting, big problem though is that in the morning you will not quite remember what you said, so is it worth it - no.  Apart from these brief moments I don't miss it.  I don't miss stressing about making sure I had wine or gin at home, or stressing where I was going to find the money to buy it.  Or wandering how I was going to hide the second bottle I had bought, so my husband didn't see just how much I was drinking every night.  I don't miss the person it made me, and I definitely do not miss the fog in the morning, or the queasy stomach, or pounding headache.  There are so many more positives to not drinking than there is to actually having that glass of anything that might numb you for awhile, but it certainly doesn't solve any of the problems you might be having. 

So, here I go - I am officially committing to the full year. 

Over 100 Days - Wow, I almost can't believe it.

I had great plans to celebrate 100 days of no drinking, instead I spent the night running to the loo and throwing up with a vomiting bug, and have been in bed for two days with fevers and chills. 
 
The last few weeks have not been easy, I have been very up and down emotionally, mentally and physically. 

My husband asked me this morning if I miss drinking, and the truth is, no not really.  Over the weekend we were away and met up with friends for a BBQ, and I didn't even think twice about the fact that I wasn't drinking.  I do miss the escape sometimes - when my anxiety is really high, or I get that emotional pain, it was always then that I drank most, but in truth I realise now that drinking only made those emotions harder to deal with, because although it provided an escape at the time, the next morning I always felt worse.  On top of the emotions I had tried to run from I felt like throwing up from the hangovers, or I would wander what I said to someone and are they cross with me now.  I don't miss the hangovers, in fact it is amazing waking up in the morning without the fog, being able to get out of bed on time without feeling dazed and feeling like you are going to throw up all the time. 

Now that I am passed 100 days I need to set myself a new target, because if I don't I will land up drinking again, I'm not sure yet what my new goal is, but I will set it this week! 

In the last 100 days I have learnt that I can live without alcohol, something I was afraid to do.  Why was I afraid of it, because I was worried about dealing with all the emotions I was running from.  I was worried I would be 'boring'.  I didn't want to feel like I was missing out.  I was afraid of trying and failing, I think that was one of my biggest fears, and the reason I started this blog.  I didn't tell anyone when I started because I didn't want to fail and have to deal with explaining, so I started the blog so that I could be accountable to myself, in fact I have realised that it is important to be honest with ourselves first, and not worry so much about everyone else.  I was living a lie, but worse still, I was lying to myself daily, I didn't respect myself, or believe in myself.  I am proud of myself, not jumping around throwing a party proud, but proud none the less.  In time I hope to gain self confidence and self compassion.  I am slowly rebuilding my relationship with myself.  We need to love ourselves, be confident in ourselves, and be our own best friends, we have to respect ourselves. 

Forever learning, and I'm ok with that for today